So If I'm Not Your Everything...

So, I decided it was time to seek some sort of help for my grief about my brother. It has been very difficult for me to hang on these past 4 months. I've been worried, in the back of my mind, that this was going to impede my real life. You know, the life I had allowed to be impeded by my nurturing of my relationship? Haha. Anyway, here's what I wrote.

( Read more... )

Felt good to get it out. Good is relative, btw. I'm not doing cartwheels atm.

( And then some. )

I read this and realized how much of it I had already begun to feel recently. I can't look back on 2007 and say that I was not a (self induced, perhaps) subordinate to unhealthy thoughts, habits, and people. I've mentioned, a few times over my last several entries, feeling pangs of regret for having allowed myself to veer towards the wrong directions. Not one to allow myself to wallow too much, I maintained, but what did I maintain exactly?

I had lost my self worth. I promised myself I would focus on Christopher this year and reclaim the throne of my future, but I fell short of that goal. I allowed myself to be consumed by someone else's habits which hurt me. I allowed myself to fall victim to the words and whispers of people who did not know me, but would set out to hurt me anyway. I allowed myself to feel resentful and the need for revenge for things that were never under my control in the first place.

I don't feel those pangs anymore. I won't feel them anymore. I had almost allowed life to devour me whole before realizing that what little there was left to take from me was still so worth the fight. I mentioned to one of my sisters that I no longer felt the importance behind a grudge, I no longer relied on anger to propel me, I no longer required vengeance for crimes people would seek to commit against me. My blood, my sweat, my tears - They're known by me and mine, thus I am fully sated.

When ex_nihilo and I began our relationship, we had a much different type of scaffolding surrounding our houses. We needed a new blueprint. One that fit the two of us. There were positives and negatives, ups and downs, writes and rewrites, but we've reached that point. It doesn't need to be validated by anyone else (from my cavalry or his) to give it life for it has life of its own, by its own, for its own. We continue to make mistakes as life is rapt with them, but we've learned to communicate more from within. Growth is not free. :)

I am excited for 2008. Not simply for the epic changes that ex_nihilo and I have in store, but for the freedom to prosper. A freedom I've given myself. I don't miss any of the wordsmiths or whisperers as they went as quickly as they came (from my Vision and my life), but - then again - I've always preferred my own poetry.

Do I have any Mac-intelligent peeps on my FList?

How do you correct the video driver when it incorrectly says that CoreImage and QuartzExtreme are not supported? This happened randomly on Friday evening and I've found nothing really about it, but surely there is a way other than to reinstall an OS.

I want to know why it is okay for someone's boyfriend to cruise dudes on Craigslist or Myspace as well as having discussions about porn and blowjobs with other dudes on LJ. Help me understand.

If I cannot understand, then it is an endless source of frustration for me.

The excuse that, "It is a natural occurrence." does not count.

Last night was fairly difficult. Sometime after dinner, I began to constantly think of my brother. In the shower, I rested my head underneath the spout and the near-scalding water washed down either side of my neck and I tried to push it out of my head. Without even knowing it, I started to sob. I stopped myself and leaned my head back against the shower wall and began to choke up again. I composed myself again and got out of the shower and dried off. The rest of the night was me fighting it off. In bed, Brian asked me if there was anything he could do and I told him I didn't know.

I had (what seemed like) a long dream all night that Red had died. I remember feeling exceptionally guilty for the way our post-relationship friendship ended (over someone else) - not that it wouldn't have ended for some other reason. I remember my mother (lol?) driving me to Red's house and dropping me off. There I met his sister and we discussed him for a bit. I looked around his place for something, anything of mine he still had. I remember thinking, "God this fool's apartment is messy!" The last thing I remember is walking around, halfway losing my shit at the thought of having to eulogize him, and trying to keep my composure around his family whom I'd only ever seen in pictures.

I guess this is about right, though. Around 3 weeks after my uncle's death is when I started having odd dreams, too. I miss my brother so much and every time I think of him or his various quirks, I start to ache inside. I'm trying to grow from this, but it doesn't seem to be happening. Actually, it gets worse every day if anything.

https://secure2.convio.net/madd/site/Advocacy?JServSessionIdr007=yk8k96w1h1.app7a&id=340

For this very reason, should the driver of the car my brother was a passenger in have had a BAL of over .08, he would not be prosecuted for Manslaughter.

Instead, the case would be dropped down into Civil Courts for Wrongful Death.

Maryland is the most idiotic fucking state to ever live in. This is just another reason I am glad I got out of that pit of despair. Thus, my brother's death will, most likely, not be prosecuted to the truest extent of the law.

There was a six-hour-long viewing on Friday. It was definitely the hardest part of all of this ordeal, aside from the original phone call. Seeing my brother in a casket was surreal, hurtful, and it left me full of sorrow and indescribable feelings of loss. My body has been entirely numb since getting here; I can barely feel my legs as I walk, my hands as I type this, or my face as I shower. When I die, I promise to myself (and everyone else) to not have a viewing. I do not like the appearance of embalmed bodies. It was a stark and painful reminder that the body is a mere vessel.

The memorial on Saturday was nice. My father MC'd the event and my sisters Laurie and Kathy, my mom, Brian's biological mom Rosemary, Tisa (Brian's fiance) and her son Evan, Tisa's mom, my nephews (Little) Tony and (Little) Nick, my nieces Myriah and Nicole, my brother in law (Big) Tony, and myself all got up to speak on behalf of my amazing brother. All of us, after sitting down, had wanted to say so much more, but there isn't enough time in the day for all of our stories. It was so hard to talk about him in the past tense - so I refused to. He wasn't an amazing man... He is one. I love him so much. I cannot bear to think of the destruction this has done to a large part of my heart. Words just can't express my feelings anymore. I'm at a loss.

I believe I go back to Cali tomorrow. For that I am thankful. I just want to be in my own bed, in my own place, with ex_nihilo again. He has been so wonderful. Everyone has.

Yesterday was my nephew (Little) Tony's 15th birthday, as well. We went over to my brother's house and celebrated. I ended up getting a little tipsy, though. lol. I picked out 4 of my brother's hats to take with me as well as his watch which he had not replaced the battery for. I'll take these things with me until my grave.

Finished The Sopranos last night. I'm glad I waited to watch the entire show all together and away from the weekly chase of episodes. I'm also glad I did eventually start watching it. Not since Six Feet Under have I loved a series so much. As one reviewer said, the writers of The Sopranos explore the psychology of the characters like no other series writers.

( Blue moon in your eyes. )

( Why are we talking about Cicadas )

again unto dust (6:07:05 PM): that girl signed off after i told her its a bug
again unto dust (6:07:07 PM): she musta felt dumb
chris is vacant (6:07:21 PM): lol
chris is vacant (6:07:36 PM): so see
chris is vacant (6:07:39 PM): there are more than 1 brood
again unto dust (6:07:47 PM): yeah
chris is vacant (6:07:48 PM): so more than 1 thing will happen during those 17 years
again unto dust (6:07:50 PM): i didnt know
again unto dust (6:08:03 PM): the big brood came in 2004
again unto dust (6:08:06 PM): will arrive again 2021!
again unto dust (6:08:16 PM): there has to be a 1,000 year cicada
chris is vacant (6:08:18 PM): i wonder if they would ever take over
again unto dust (6:08:18 PM): thats huge monsters
again unto dust (6:08:38 PM): i wouldnt care if monsters came
again unto dust (6:08:46 PM): it'd be just like my dreams
again unto dust (6:08:50 PM): i would kill them
again unto dust (6:08:54 PM): there'd be no work
again unto dust (6:08:56 PM): no bills
again unto dust (6:08:59 PM): just killin monsters
again unto dust (6:09:01 PM): livin off the land
again unto dust (6:09:02 PM): lootin
chris is vacant (6:09:08 PM): lol
chris is vacant (6:09:12 PM): it'd be like WoW
again unto dust (6:09:18 PM): thats what i was just thinking
again unto dust (6:09:19 PM): see
again unto dust (6:09:23 PM): monsters would make our world liveable.
again unto dust (6:09:29 PM): not so much stress
again unto dust (6:09:32 PM): worst case scenario
again unto dust (6:09:34 PM): a monster kills us
chris is vacant (6:09:36 PM): we could go steal from people
again unto dust (6:09:36 PM): its all over.
again unto dust (6:09:50 PM): we could do whatever we want, theres monsters.
chris is vacant (6:09:55 PM): lol
again unto dust (6:09:56 PM): lol
chris is vacant (6:10:01 PM): i like this idea

http://www.aina.org/news/20070425181603.htm

Wow, so when I woke up this morning my shoulder was in searing fucking pain.

Backstory: I sleep, normally, on the left side of the bed (if you're facing the bed) and Brian sleeps on the right side. Well, I really hate the fact that one arm has to kind of dangle around in the middle and serve no real purpose but to impede one's goal of cuddling, but I have always adjusted to it. However, there were a few times where my left arm would end up over my head and I would shift to being on my chest, but still resting my head on Brian's and having my right arm around him. This has caused my left shoulder to be in some serious pain. Last night I fell asleep before Brian did and I wake up this morning at around 6AM and my left shoulder is in so much pain I can't even raise my arm over my head. It's better right NOW, but good lord I felt like I was 65 years old or something and my body was, kicking and screaming, rebelling against me.

Time to do 2 things: 1) Get some Icy-Hot. 2) Go to the gym regularly and whip my upper body back into shape. I've never had a problem like this before and I certainly don't want it to continue. Gah, I can still feel it aching inside. GAH.

Grrrr. I miss Atlanta. I had an amazing night with Brian tonight. Had a great dinner at Red Robin and went to Cold Stone to get some ice cream and ended up walking home. I wish I could bring to him the "home" I feel when I am in Atlanta. For now, however long it will be, the East Bay incubates something I know deep within. I am so tired of pretending to be something I am not. I gave into it and became something I never dreamed I would be again. I did it for the lulz, for the <3, and for the maturation it might inspire. But I still miss seeing wolfpup76 or profundis at the Eagle. Moreso that they reminded me how life can be relaxed as much as it may be distressful.

I've been way too quiet for months. I dunno where I went. But I have stories. And I miss you guys (Benton, Chip, Sabrina, Joezer).

What if I was a Harlequin baby and then grew up?

( *Margot Kidder noises* )

Snape killed Dumbledore, fyi.

Friends Only.